I felt a bit like Carrie Bradshaw on “Sex and the City” when I sat down to write my first dating column many years ago. I want to talk about how online dating is a bit like Carrie’s favorite pastime, clothes shopping … not in a bad way.
When most of us go shopping, we fall in love with an article of clothing, say black pin-striped pants that look like they’d sit perfectly on our waist, and then we look for our size. Sadly, it’s not there — what a disappointment. But that’s not how I shop. I’m very petite and on the shorter side (a whopping 5 feet 1 inch), so I have to do the reverse; I blindly shop for my size and then decide if I like what I find.
Online dating is surprisingly similar. People have a tendency to look through the whole universe of people online for that perfect-looking garment, or person, who on the outside looks like a match made in heaven. But as you dig deeper, you learn that the fit just isn’t right for one reason or another — he wants children and you don’t, she is not yet divorced, he doesn’t feel the same way you do about higher education, etc. But you want to make it work so badly.
Think about this for a moment. Search instead for people who fit the objectives you’re looking for (your size requirements, or your deal-breakers/non-negotiables), then send a message to a wide range of people who fit those criteria. Try to keep the non-negotiable list short, perhaps to a handful of things you either can’t live with or can’t live without. Beyond that, cast a wide net. You never know until you try on the pants, or the person, whether it’ll be a good fit, so you might as well search through everything in your size and try some things on. Maybe the person who didn’t seem to be your type turns into a match you weren’t even expecting.
This method is much better than looking through people’s exterior qualities and then finding that nothing is your size. You’re more likely to get a better fit in the end.
Erika Ettin is the founder of
A Little Nudge, where she
helps others navigate the
world of online dating. Want
to connect with Erika? Join
her newsletter, eepurl.com/
dpHcH for updates and tips.
