Question: Dating is obviously expensive. Is it OK for a man to use a coupon on a date?
Answer: Dating doesn’t necessarily have to be expensive. Spending more does not mean a successful date. I don’t suggest expensive fine dining on a first date. For the first date, I always suggest a coffee or cocktail date.
During the getting-to-know-each-other stage, you can have coffee dates, cocktail dates (Hawaii has many nice bars and cozy lounges), as well as casual lunches, going hiking, enjoying the beach, working out together … There are many activities that do not break the bank. And, I suggest that when you find that very special person, you can take them to dinner at a special restaurant.
Whether using a coupon on a date is OK or not would depend on the man’s age and social status, what kind of lady he is on the date with, and where the coupon is for. If you just recently got to know each other, and the man is trying to impress the lady but he pulls out a coupon, most women would be turned off. Some women may feel that they themselves have been discounted. However, when the relationship is much more serious, and if the two are discussing a future together, using a coupon can mean being financially smart and not wasteful. The lady may have a positive impression that you are a solid man who saves money to be used for more important things.
Q: Should a woman always expect the man to pay on a date?
A: I think early in the relationship, the woman can expect that, and men always try to pay for the date. However, the man will have a much better impression of the lady if he is not always the one paying for everything. After the third, fourth date, the woman should not expect to be paid for all the time, and offer to pay for the tip, or pay for the date when it’s a reasonable amount, like it’s my turn. … Even if the amount is small, it still makes a big difference.
You have to take into account the man’s age and social status, the relationship with the lady, and what type of lady they are with. The younger the couple, the more common it is for the couple to split the costs, especially if the dates become more frequent.
Regardless of the situation, the most important thing is to never act like it’s the man’s job to pay, and to always be appreciative and communicate that to the other person. If the woman thinks and acts like the man should be paying for the date, not only will the man know that you feel that way, but they will not want to pay for anything.
Q: If my date has kids and we are out with the kids, who should pay for the kids?
A: I think there are many people in Hawaii who are raising kids and looking for a partner at the same time. Who pays for what may again depend on the man’s age and social status as well as what kind of woman they are dating. Fundamentally, I think if you bring kids on a date, it is common sense for the parent to pay for the child, but you have to also take into consideration what you are paying for.
For example, meals are paid with one tab, so in the beginning, more often the man may pay for the whole meal. If the woman is bringing her child, it would not be fair for the man to always pay, so perhaps the woman should want to pay, every third time or so, or even take turns paying. If the man insists on paying, I think women need to respect that, and make sure she shows her appreciation to him, and have her kids show their appreciation as well, through attitude as well as words. The same goes for if the man is the one bringing the kids.
Who assumes financial responsibility for the child is one of the major issues when relationships develop into cohabitation and marriage. Therefore, it’s really important for couples to discuss things like who pays for what, who is ultimately financially responsible, early on during the dating stage.
Q: When is it OK for someone dating to ask about the person’s financial situation?
A: This is something that many of my clients ask me, and I think conversations about finances should happen naturally when two people have an exclusive relationship and feel that they want to spend their future together. I think this is not something you ask, but something one should share when you respect the other person.
I think the right thing to do is, if your information may affect your partner negatively, you should disclose the information as soon as talks of sharing a future come up. If you don’t say anything and start planning a wedding, and if the negative financial situation surfaces or if your partner has to ask you and then you share the information, this may create a rift in the relationship. They may always wonder, what else is he/she not telling me?
However, if the financial situation is a positive one, I feel there is no obligation to disclose anything.
Provided, if one wants to ask about the other’s financial situation early on in the relationship, if the other person’s feelings toward you are strong, even if you ask questions, this will not affect the relationship negatively, and I am sure they will do their best to explain. I definitely don’t suggest asking about finances during a phase where the other person’s feelings for you are not that strong. Their feelings will decrease rapidly, and this will create a rift in the relationship.
Q: Do you recommend that couples who get married combine their financial accounts or keep them separate?
A: This may depend on the couple’s age, but to keep the best relationship on a long-term basis, I recommend that couples keep their separate accounts and create a separate joint account for monthly expenditures.
Every month the couple should each deposit a mutually decided amount (person with higher income will most likely have a higher amount) and manage this account together. If the couple wants to make an investment, individual accounts should be managed individually, and joint investments should be managed together from the joint account.
There are couples who disclose, share and combine everything during their lovey-dovey honeymoon stage — “What’s mine is yours” — but this often leads to problems later on. One of the keys to keeping a happy married relationship is to make realistic decisions from the very beginning.
