It’s too close to Christmas to be serious, so I’ll wish you a merry one and start the party with some
of my favorite holiday quotations.
>> “I celebrate everyone’s religious holidays. If it’s good enough for the righteous, it’s good enough for the self-righteous.” — Bette Midler
>> “Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at
least one day of the year to remind us that we’re here
for something else besides ourselves.” — Eric Sevareid
>> “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know … the birth of Santa.” — Bart Simpson
>> “There are three stages of man: He believes in
Santa Claus; he does not
believe in Santa Claus; he
is Santa Claus.” — Bob
Phillips
>> “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” — Andy
Borowitz
>> “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” — Richard Lamm
>> “Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — Dennis Miller
>> “Blast this Christmas music. It’s joyful and triumphant.” — The Grinch
>> “The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: ‘Some assembly required.’” — John Leo
>> “I once bought my
kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’” — Bernard Manning
>> “Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.” — Erma Bombeck
>> “People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned
by thoughts suitable to
the 25th of December.”
— Ogden Nash
>> “The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” — Jay Leno
>> “Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup; peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” — Wendy Cope
>> “I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” — Steven Wright
>> “What I don’t like
about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller
>> “Let’s be naughty
and save Santa the trip.”
— Gary Allan
>> “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” — P.J. O’Rourke
>> “Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” — Mark Twain
Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com.
