In the awkward moments before the Saturday AARP tele-town-hall forum began, mayoral candidates Charles Djou and Kirk Caldwell sat waiting in front of the webcam. Both of these men are fairly awkward to begin with — not in a fall-down-the-stairs or say-something-stupid way, but put them together and it’s Dork and Dorkier.

And then a voice from off camera attempts to break the strained silence:

“Would anyone like to tell a joke?”

Uh oh.

There’s a pause. Caldwell looks like he’s weighing the pros and cons of taking the bait. Then it’s like he can’t stop himself.

“I got a joke,” Caldwell says.

Djou smiles broadly, perhaps imagining the myriad ways this moment could play to his advantage.

“Ah, I always tell this one,” Caldwell says. “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?”

Djou waits a beat. Then it’s like he can’t stop himself.

“One’s a scum sucker and one’s a fish,” Djou answers, effectively deflating Caldwell’s attempt at humor — “cut yo line,” as the old-school Hawaii comedians used to say.

Caldwell then tries to recover. “Yes, one’s a bottom-dwelling, slime-eating, muckraking … and the other one’s a fish. He got it.”

And that was the fun part, the highlight before they got into the blah, blah, freaking blah of affordable housing, transit-oriented development and rail, rail, freaking rail.

What’s worse than having no televised debates between Caldwell and Djou? Perhaps having to sit and watch a televised mayoral debate between Caldwell and Djou.

Now, the measure of a mayor should not be his or her ability to give stirring speeches that make old ladies clutch wads of Kleenex to their chests and dockworkers wipe salty tears from their eyes, but these two don’t have much in the way of plans — even boring, staid, plodding, wonky plans — to pull Honolulu out of its current shameful tailspin. Billy Kenoi giving a boozy, profane toast on shaky cellphone video is way more fun to watch than these two saying nothing about everything.

They both agree that rail is the largest, most controversial issue for the city. They both say that now the dang thing has to be built — we’re stuck with it. But they both are pretty light on HOW they’re going to fix rail. Or anything, really.

There was a brief moment of promise, a spark of incendiary honesty, when Djou called rail “a complete and total mess” and Caldwell looked like he was ready to throw blows, but then neither had any grand plan other than “stay the course” and “change the coach,” so no fire was lit, no grand plan laid out with dazzling precision and heartfelt words.

But it doesn’t matter. Nobody cares. There’s a heavy feeling of torpor over Honolulu, a lassitude that makes even the thought of filling out a box on a mail-in ballot feel like “Ah, why bother?”

What’s the difference between Kirk Caldwell and Charles Djou?

Good question.

Reach Lee Cataluna at 529-4315 or lcataluna@staradvertiser.com.