What to make of "The Last Witch Hunter"? It’s too self-reflective to be an entertaining mess of unintentional hilarity, but none of the actual scripted punch lines land. The premise itself, while definitely out there, could possibly work if the nonsensical screenplay didn’t throw everything at it to see what sticks. Like that other witch hunter movie, "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters," this is a film that is completely loony tunes, and it only half knows it.

A prologue outlines the origin story of star Vin Diesel’s witch hunter character. About 800 or so years ago, Kaulder (Diesel) tromps around a forest in his best Euro-tribal drag, complete with gingery beard and a fierce weave. He corners the Witch Queen, who’s made up of tree roots and bees; she has brought a "black plague" upon humanity. He skewers her with his fire sword, but not before she curses him to live forever hunting witches.

"THE LAST WITCH HUNTER" Rated: PG-13 Opens today

Fast forward to present day and Kaulder has adopted the cue ball hairdo that is Diesel’s trademark. He’s been at this witch hunting game for a while, which means he has powers to deduce the presence of witches by fogging up windows with his breath and whispering "magic!" He’s got a sick ride and an entire order of priests dedicated to basically being his personal assistants.

When Michael Caine, his favorite priest assistant and best friend, dies, Elijah Wood steps in to replace him. Kaulder suspects black magic, and with some of his witchy forensic skills, the plot is off and running. Here is a list of things that appear in this movie after this point: maggot cupcakes, magical butterflies, a gummi bear tree, a witch council where a wizard informs them they look like a terrible ’80s band (they do), a botanical witch fashion show, a maraschino cherry filled with memory potion mixed up by Rose Leslie, a blind pastry chef eaten by a tree, and a witch queen whose main superpower is controlling a swarm of bees.

Absolutely no effort is put into explaining why these witches are so bad anyway. As far as you can tell, they are environmentalists who want to turn the urban landscape back into a green space. Apparently the witch queen must be destroyed because she’s ugly, aggressive and wants to kill Vin Diesel. Other than that, it seems that she just wants to do some undisturbed gardening with her crew. Pardon me, but: Team Witch.

Review by Katie Walsh, Tribune News Services