Gridiron 2015, put on by Hawaii’s press corps, public relations pros and supporters, poses the question “Is nothing sacred?” And the answer is a resounding “no.” Not even Mauna Kea — or at least not the controversy over construction of the Thirty Meter Telescope at the summit.
Any worries the biennial fundraiser for the Society of Professional Journalists’ Hawaii Chapter would veer into safe territory amid the prevailing atmosphere of political correctness were quickly dispelled after the opening song-and-dance number at Wednesday’s dress rehearsal at Diamond Head Theatre. Confronting a small clutch of scientists, Bill Sage leads a group of angry Hawaiians — including a padded Jason Momoa stand-in — in the protest song “Kapu Aloha (You Frickah #2),” set to the tune of the Ka‘au Crater Boys’ “Kawika”:
“You tell us when you’re building, what did you think we would do? How come you act all surprise when we show up and blocking you? If it’s only 30 meters can somebody tell me why, that the building you going put ’um in is 18 stories high. That’s really frickin’ high.”
The first real belly laughs erupted when Mahealani Richardson pranced around the stage as mirror-obsessed Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, singing, “It’s All About My Face,” a takeoff of the Meghan Trainor hit. Other first-act highlights: Zachary Creech as pro golfer Robert Allenby in “The Man Down Under,” borrowing from Men at Work, to rip the Australian’s misadventures on Kapiolani Boulevard; and Jocelyn Cua-Racoma, Esme Infante and Lance Rae as a homeless trio happily crooning “Sand Island, Here We Come,” set to the “Green Acres” theme song. (Sample lyrics: “Sand Island is the place for me; hot meals and a place to pee. Life in a box — what luxury! Forget that tent, I want to live hassle-free.”)
Big Island Mayor Billy Kenoi’s pCard shenanigans earned him not one song, but a medley, featuring such tunes as Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me,” “Let’s Hear It for Kenoi” and “Billy Kenoi, You One Bad Boy,” taken from “Fish and Poi.”
The second act saw cranky one-term Gov. Neil Abercrombie (Chad Blair) and fellow election losers Mufi Hannemann (Ben Gutierrez on stilts), Duke Aiona (Chance Gusukuma) and Jeff Davis (Creech) lamenting their defeat to “mild-mannered” David Ige despite his “soft Muppet voice, no sex appeal.”
Ige (vocal powerhouse Kristopher De La Cruz) responded with biker swag in “I’m Governor,” based on “Greased Lightning” from the movie “Grease.” (“You know they said I’m crazy, but I won to their dismay. Second time since statehood the governor’s an AJA.”)
Also in the Gridiron crosshairs: rail, Kakaako’s condo boom, the UH Cancer Center, the Hawaiian hoary bat, the Matson molasses spill, the ZipperLane freeway fiasco and Halau Lokahi charter school, which was shut down due to financial misconduct.
More amusing than bust-a-gut hilarious, Gridiron 2015 — dubbed “On Time and on Budget” — offered two must-see attractions: slick videos of Donalyn Dela Cruz kickin’ it with her “local like a bowl o’ Zippy’s chili” impression of clog-wearing Colleen Hanabusa, and Dan Cooke nailing it as ex-Gov. Linda Lingle, who appears against the backdrop of the Chicago skyline — until she transforms into Elsa from “Frozen” to sing “Off I Go.”
All four performances of Gridiron 2015: “On Time and on Budget” are sold out.