As candidates extol their "values" (short for "my opponent is a haole") and issue grand plans that prove talk is cheap, I like to spend the week before an election immersed in deeper thoughts.

So to help you get ready for the big day, I’ll share some of my favorite quotations on politics from greater minds than my own:

» "Our elections are free. It’s in the results where eventually we pay." — Bill Stern

» "The way my luck is running, if I were a politician I would be an honest man." — Rodney Dangerfield

» "No one can fool all of the people all of the time; that’s why we have two parties." — Bob Hope

» "Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or wrong." — Richard Armour

» "Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason." — Jose Maria de Eca de Queiroz

» "Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from ‘the poor’ and campaign funds from ‘the rich,’ by promising to protect each from the other." — Oscar Ameringer

» "Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?" — Robert Orben

» "Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote." — George Jean Nathan

» "Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel." — John Quinton

» "For 7½ years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex … uh … setbacks." — George H.W. Bush

» "When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators." — P.J. O’Rourke

» "Members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors." — Caroline Baum

» "Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word." — Charles De Gaulle

» "The world of politics is always 20 years behind the world of thought." — John Jay Chapman

» "‘Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out." — George Carlin

» "Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks." — Doug Larson

» "Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature." — Kin Hubbard

If the beach calls more than voting, remember Plato’s warning: "One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors."

Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com or blog.volcanicash.net.