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Recently there have been several stories about children who were killed while in the care of adults who should have been protecting them. It appears that in two of these cases the parents were overwhelmed, and didn’t have the knowledge and skills necessary to care for these children.
Often parents who are stressed, tired or feeling overwhelmed react to their children’s behavior in ways that harm them. A spanking can quickly turn into a beating. Not every child who is harmed is killed, but the scars from that harm last a lifetime.
Many parents don’t realize until they have a child how hard it is to parent. Children take a lot of time and energy and sometimes even the best parent can feel at wit’s end. Unfortunately we don’t teach parenting skills. We teach people to drive and teach them the skills needed for a job, but parenting we are just supposed to know. Many parents don’t understand child development and what behaviors to expect. They don’t understand what types of discipline techniques are effective in managing challenging behavior.
There are resources available to parents but they often don’t know about them or are ashamed to ask. Get to know your neighbors. Parents who are isolated have no one to talk to, someone who can just listen or share their own parenting experiences.
If you are feeling at the end of your rope, call 211 or The Parent Line (526-1222 on Oahu or www.theparentline.org) for free resources. Talk to a friend. Take a walk. Calm yourself by drinking a glass of water and taking some deep breaths. Attend parenting classes or a parenting workshop offered by your school, community organization, or place of worship. Look online for parenting information and resources. Talk to your child’s teacher or a school counselor for advice.
Every parent and potential parent should take parenting classes. None of us has all the answers and every parent struggles at one time or another.
As a community we need to go beyond saying this is awful and participate in a silent march and then go home and forget about it until another case hits the headlines. Each of us must get out of our comfort zone and step up and intervene when we see parents struggling. We must have zero tolerance against harming children. It really does take a village to raise children. Many times we turn away and say it’s not our business, but it really is our business. People are more likely to speak up when they see an animal at risk then a child at risk.
Get to know the neighbor who has children. Parents who are isolated don’t have anyone to talk to about their frustrations. Offer an ear. Offer to watch the children so the parent can have a break. If you work with children get to know the parents. Sometimes you are the only source of support they have. If you think a child is in danger, pick up the phone and call Child Welfare Services or the police. Often we don’t want to report, because what if we are wrong? I would rather call and be wrong than hear that a child has been harmed or killed and I didn’t do anything.