Marriage is the ultimate expression of commitment and love by two consenting adults. Loving and committed gay and lesbian couples want to marry for the same reason as straight couples: to share their hopes and dreams, be there for one another in good times and bad, and find that special someone to grow old with.
But one federal law stands in the way of true marriage equality. It’s called the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). It ought to be thoroughly reviewed by the U.S. Supreme Court, because it unfairly denies federal protections to committed same-sex couples who are legally married in their own states.
As an active-duty member of the U.S. Navy, I am standing the watch. Proudly serving our nation the past eight years with honor, courage and commitment, I am equally proud to have as my partner Chris Tam. He’s from Kahului, Maui, and we met over two years ago. I was born in the Philippines and raised in the United Kingdom. In a few months, we are being transferred to North Carolina, where I will be part of a Marine deployable unit.
North Carolina is yet another state that prohibits us from being legally married. And even if we landed in one of the nine states that have legalized same-sex marriage, DOMA is still there, placing serious restrictions on members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered (LGBT) community, including those who serve our nation in the armed forces.
The repeal of the military’s “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy did not resolve the problems LGBT military families still face — families like Chief Warrant Officer Charlie Morgan and her wife, Karen, and daughter, Casey Elena. Karen does not get death benefits like heterosexual couples do, even though Charlie deployed and was diagnosed with terminal stage-4 breast cancer.
Staff Sgt. Tracy Dice was not given the respect to be informed that her wife, Staff Sgt. Sandra Johnson, was killed in action in Afghanistan.
Besides adding to a military widow’s grief, DOMA restricts well over 1,000 federal benefits to same-sex partners. Here are just a few:
>> The right to take time off from work to care for a seriously ill spouse through the Family Medical Leave Act.
>> Access to all the benefits of a spouse’s health plan, without a tax penalty.
>> Medicaid preventions against elder homelessness when one spouse goes into a nursing home.
>> Social Security spousal and survivor benefits related to disability, care of a minor child, retirement and death, which protect a family’s economic security in old age, and upon disability or death.
>> The right to leave assets to your spouse — including the home you share together — without incurring a tax penalty.
>> Joint tax filing and pooled deductions that can save families money.
>> Retirement and death benefits for spouses of federal employee.
>> Disability, dependency or death benefits for the spouses of veterans and public safety officers.
Some say if members of the LGBT community are allowed to marry, the institution of marriage will be forever destroyed. I respectfully and unequivocally reject that opinion. Marriage equality will serve only to strengthen committed relationships, and it’s wrong for any government to discriminate against same-sex couples and their children.
It’s time our nation’s highest court, and the other 41 states, including Hawaii, legalize marriage equality. As my partner Chris said: “You’ve got to have aloha for everyone, not just for some. That includes marriage.”
As a service member, it pains me to think that my brothers and sisters in arms, no matter what their orientation, are not given the most basic respect of a death notification or the receipt of their loved one’s remains. They willingly go and undertake the most difficult of occupations serving the nation’s needs with honor, courage and commitment under enormous amounts of stress and sacrifice, with very little or no comfort in the name of freedom.
In America, freedom means freedom for everyone.
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Petty Officer 2nd Class Jeff Priela serves on the Equality Hawaii board and the OutServe-SLDN Military Council, where he advises the governing board on LGBT issues within the military.
