I’ve been venting pointed opinions in this column for nearly 30 years, and somebody asked which I was most surprised I got away with.
I couldn’t review all 1,789 columns, but one jumped to mind as potential trouble that didn’t materialize — from the Honolulu Star-Bulletin in 1996, when I was managing editor as well as columnist.
Let’s reprise it and see how it survives today’s more easily triggered sensitivities. It’s tightened to fit a smaller space.
Don’t try to tease women about weight
Sadly, I’ve learned most of what I know about female psychology from pop radio.
I just found out, for instance, that men and women have different concepts of humor. Men use humor aggressively like a weapon. That’s incomprehensible to women, who are more literal-minded and use humor mainly to complain about men.
Men are always ribbing each other about balding heads, expanding waistlines and athletic ineptitude. Try telling a woman she’s getting thin on the top, thick around the middle and throws like a girl.
I noticed a woman colleague using her kid’s old diaper bag as a purse and joked about her purple bag not matching her green outfit.
She responded silently with disappointed eyes. Looking terribly hurt, they said, “Here I am minding my own business, not bothering you, and for no reason you viciously attack me. What’s the matter with men?”
Talk about sucking the fun out of a situation.
I had to travel to Hilo. A French gentleman at the car rental counter obviously didn’t understand a word the rental woman was saying. She cranked up the volume.
“Will you drop the car in Hilo or Kona?”
“Pardon?”
“Will you drop the car in Hilo or Kona?”
“Pardon?”
“WILL YOU DROP THE CAR IN HILO OR KONA????”
I said, “I don’t think the problem is his hearing.”
“YEAH, IS YOUR PROBLEM YOUR FAT BUTT OR YOUR UGLY FACE????”
On my flight home, an older guy was having trouble stuffing his bag into the overhead bin. A flight attendant told him, “Your bag doesn’t fit.”
“If there was room, it would fit,” he responded.
“That’s my point,” she said. “There isn’t enough room.”
“It would fit if there was room.”
It continued with the agitated attendant expounding into one of his ears while his wife yelled into his other ear to stop disgracing himself. The guy’s grin was wide. He was jerking around two unamused women at once and loving it.
The humor gap makes problem-solving in the office a challenge.
A writer who sits near the women’s restroom complained about odors emanating from air vents over his desk. He demanded I act.
If it was the men’s room, I’d supply a can of Lysol with a joke about my odious management duties. But to suggest a woman could cause such odor might cost me my life.
The serious approach wasn’t an option either. I couldn’t very well march in there and lecture, “Now see here, madam …”
So how did I solve it? Easy. I ribbed the oversized schnoz of the guy who griped and walked away from the whole thing.
Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com.
