My affable nature — or my socialization as a girl — has often kept me silent. In fact, it wasn’t until after former President Donald Trump’s “pussy grabbing” statements, when I was sitting at a Japanese restaurant in Honolulu with family members, that I felt either inspired or incensed enough to finally say: “This sort of stuff has happened to me multiple times in different ways and I’m angry about it.”
I told my family about being raped by my mother’s employee. I had been silent at the time because I felt guilty, having been initially curious about his probing kisses. But I was only 11. I was a child. I told them about being rated numerically by the high school athletes as I walked by the bench where they gathered. I kept silent at the time and perhaps even felt quietly pleased when I got a decent score — but I was 14. I told them about a young man who promised me a ride home from Anna Bannana’s and tried to have sex with me instead. I told the boy’s coach and the boy was scolded but otherwise escaped consequence. I let it go. I told them about being slapped by a boyfriend who said I was “too proud.”
Right after that conversation, the Harvey Weinstein situation, the “#MeToo” movement, the Women’s March, and the Brett Kavanaugh Supreme Court confirmation hearings demonstrated, more than ever, how prevalent aggressive and violent behavior has been and continues to be, both within families and in the larger community.
I realized that by accepting these experiences in my own life, by struggling to overcome them on my own, barely speaking up or fighting back — I have done myself and others a disservice. I have come to understand that despite the valiant efforts of several waves of feminism, we need a new brand of womanism to challenge the continuing violence, the minimization, and the microaggressions.
The good news is, the conversations that create the primitive, fertile soup in which something like that can be born, are happening. And, thankfully, I can take part in them. I can join the many who find ways to build greater justice and safety. Using one’s voice is empowering, confirms for others that they are not alone, and inspires allies to rise up. The cost is too great to do otherwise.
The opportunities I have seized to engage my community have been plentiful, hard work and fulfilling. The Girls Opportunity Alliance works with organizations that work with extraordinary girls all over the world, championing their education and empowering them with tools, confidence and resources. Girl Up, She Should Run, Girl Gaze and #Builtbygirls are some of the many national groups working to uplift, inspire, support and empower. Ceeds of Peace conducts action planning workshops in the program, Girls Talk Back.
Organizations such as Hui Malama O Ke Kai, PINK Waimanalo, Purple Mai‘a, Mailikukahi Aina Momona Academy and others, use powerful culturally grounded models for healing, innovation and leadership. And the Domestic Violence Action Center has mobilized this community to deepen understanding, invest meaningfully and prioritize family violence through robust advocacy, education and specialized programs.
Of course, our work has only begun. And promises to take a lifetime. I am in it for the long journey.
I ask you, dear reader, to aim your energy outward to participate and connect. How are we working together to prevent violence? How are we challenging toxic masculinity? How are we building healthy families? What are the precious examples of healing organizations in your life? How are you contributing to them? Where do you channel your energy? Because we need your voice, your stories and your involvement. Society does not heal on its own and it’s time for us to be loud.
Maya Soetoro-Ng is a faculty specialist at the Spark M. Matsunaga Institute for Peace and Conflict Resolution, University of Hawaii-Manoa.
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To mark this year’s 30th anniversary of the Domestic Violence Action Center, the Star-Advertiser will run a column each month this year to highlight aspects of the problem of domestic abuse. Authors will be from DVAC’s Council of Allies, formed to raise awareness about this communitywide issue.
