It’s the last Sunday in September and time to “flASHback” on the month’s news that amused and confused:
>> County mayors want explicit benchmarks to trigger COVID shutdowns and reopenings, but Gov. David Ige said he favors a more nuanced approach for the state. His crisis management theory is called “Surprise Me.”
>> Ige approved “resort bubbles” where visitors can freely roam hotel grounds if they wear tracking bracelets to keep them from leaving the property. Our big recovery idea is to let our prison inmates go free and put our tourists under house arrest.
>> The governor said “the virus won’t disappear magically,” and predicted we’ll have to live with COVID for at least the next 12 months. Worse yet, we’ll have to live with Ige for the next 27 months.
>> A passerby shouted an obscenity at Mayor Kirk Caldwell as he announced coronavirus restrictions from the City Hall lawn, and his sign language interpreter dutifully translated it with the most universal of hand signs — an extended middle finger. Finally, some clarity in city communications.
>> The Caldwell administration has spent more federal CARES Act funds on police overtime and fancy ATVs to harass beachgoers than on rent, utility and child care relief for the unemployed. Instead of helping hands, we get Toys for Cops.
>> The state and three neighbor island counties, meantime, have pushed out only 8% of their share of CARES Act funding to the needy, claiming bureaucratic hurdles. The bureaucracy was busy processing public worker pay raises.
>> Ige let pass a bill from the Legislature making it illegal to impersonate musical performers. Does this mean he and the mayors have to stop impersonating Alvin and the Chipmunks?
>> Chamber of Commerce CEO Sherry Menor-McNamara said the state must meet its latest date for reopening tourism, arguing, “We can’t keep moving the goal post when the ball is in the air.” The new plan is to keep the goal post still and let the air out of the ball.
>> Mayoral candidate Keith Amemiya boasted he has endorsements from the majority of current Honolulu City Council members. That’s like an applicant for bank president touting the support of the James Gang.
>> His opponent, Rick Blangiardi, said public transit in major U.S. cities is “in a death spiral,” but too much has been invested in Oahu’s over-budget rail project to pull back. They can never invest too much taxpayer money in death spirals.
>> Habilitat Hawaii is hosting a drive-thru haunted house at Aloha Stadium featuring chilling monsters, deranged doctors and killer clowns. It’ll fill the void left by the Legislature’s recess.
And the quote of the month … from City Councilman Tommy Waters on public complaints about the city’s coronavirus response: “The public just doesn’t trust us anymore. That’s part of the problem.” The other part is they’re untrustworthy.
Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com.
