June Dillinger had a happy childhood in La Jolla, Calif., until her parents divorced and her father remarried. That experience upended her perception of love and family forever. Dillinger’s view of love and family was shaken a second time when her own marriage ended in divorce here in Hawaii.
However, in examining her experiences, and her feelings about her ex-husband, Dillinger realized that she could allow her experiences to control her, or she could take control of her life by objectively using the knowledge that her experiences had given her.
Dillinger, 57, is sharing that knowledge in her informative self-help book, “The Benefit of the ‘Ex’: Making Love Visible When Everything Changes” ($13.95, paperback; makinglovevisible.com), which was published in February.
In a sentence or two, what do you want people to know?
That they themselves are their own true love, and that discovery through doing the exercises in the book will set their “ex” free in their own mind, and invite them to create a new relationship with who they’re being today. Until we discover that “I myself am my own true love,” there’s no way that I can ever begin to think that I could be available for another relationship, and want to be in a relationship with somebody else who gets that they are their own true love. It’s like 1 + 1 = 3, not 1 + 1 = 2. It’s not, “You complete me.” It’s: “I feel complete with you.” Otherwise that other person carries all the weight of the relationship.
What happens when that happens?
It becomes a dance of who’s carrying (the relationship) now and who’s carrying it later. Then it becomes a blame game. Then there’s the victim story that people tell to other people (about what’s wrong with the relationship). Then the relationship isn’t working any more. Next!
The idea that struck me most was taking responsibility for contributing to a breakup and forgiving — or at least not continuing to hate — your former partner. Isn’t that easier said than done?
One of my favorite questions that (motivational speaker) Byron Katie uses is, “Who would I be without this thought?” Notice the energy that you’re holding and then decide what you’re going to do with it. Stand up for yourself and create boundaries that you are not willing to break. What (mental) program is running you and what kind of leftovers do you have left behind that flip your switch? When your switch gets flipped you have to ask yourself, “Am I actually aware of what happened? What am I all worked up about?” and work through that. You can take a breath, meditate, delete the message, talk to a best friend, call your therapist, walk your dog or do something else.
Book signings are on hold for the immediate future. What are your expectations for the next few months?
My hope is that this book has enough information from a variety of facets, and it’s broad enough to support people in how best to love themselves and how to love other people. How to make love visible when anything in life changes — not just when your relationship changes with your sweetheart.
You are a professional motivational speaker and transformation coach, and you own a nondenominational wedding company that has performed more than 800 island weddings. Is there something about you that might surprise people?
On April 11 my mother had been in her house for 60 years, and my Barbies (dolls) are still in the closet. They’re really cool.
