No matter how close you were to your kids when they were growing up, there will come a time of “radio silence.” This usually starts after they leave for college or get their own place and have had a few months to escape from your orbit and establish a new universe of friends and activities, otherwise known as “getting a life.”
During this blackout period you will become increasingly desperate for any kind of interaction with them. It is your job as a parent to back off unless summoned for your wisdom, sympathetic ear or money. Easier said than done.
The irony of all this is that while mobile devices have made it more convenient than ever to keep in touch, you might as well be using carrier pigeons when trying to have a conversation with your millennial offspring.
Question: What’s the best way for me to talk to my young adult children?
Answer: If by “talk” you mean “communicate,” then texting is generally the best way to ensure a response. Don’t believe me? Try this: Dial your offspring and get sent to voicemail. Hang up and immediately send a text message. Boom! They text you right back.
One reason they prefer texting: It’s a lot harder for you to lecture them. Think about it. I can barely say “I luv u” in a text message without typos. Are you really going to send one of your patented missives on how they should be managing their love life/career/money/health one finger peck at a time? And it’s certainly a lot to easier for them to ignore a text lecture than if you ambush them in the middle of a phone call.
Q: How can I get my child to contact me more often?
A: You can’t. Remember that this is all part of the separation process. Lower your expectations and remain calm when your cellphone “dings” with a text message. More likely than not your “convo” will go something like this:
“Hey Mom.”
It’s him! How long has it been? A week? He’s so sweet!
“What’s the pw for Netflix?”
Q: If my kids won’t talk to me on the phone, how can I keep track of them?
A: Become a “creeper.” A creeper is someone who pokes around the internet and social media to uncover information on an individual.
With many social networks now considered passe (MySpace, anyone?), it’s getting harder to pick up the trail. Many young people are migrating off Facebook and Twitter to Instagram to post photos of their activities. You can search for their social-networking accounts by name and also see who their “friends” and followers are and creep on their accounts to find out just who your kids are hanging around with.
Be creative. For example, my son works at a tour company, so I figured out I could go to his employer’s Facebook page and TripAdvisor.com to find customer reviews that mention him by name. Sometimes they even post photos, which is more than I get from him.
Sound creepy? That’s why they call it creeping.
The key to successful creeping is stealth. Be careful not to double-tap on photos or “like” whatever you see. Otherwise you’ll be “made,” as they say in trade craft. And whatever intel you uncover, keep it to yourself or risk driving them further underground.
Q: My daughter left her phone on the sofa. Is it OK for me to snoop?
A: No. This kind of creeping clearly crosses the line. Unless, of course, you happen to glance at the screen and can read the text messages without unlocking the phone. The guiding principle in this situation is what is known in legal circles as “an expectation of privacy.” In other words, if your child leaves his or her cellphone out in the open where the “public” (you) has access to it, it’s fair game.
Under no circumstances should you unlock the phone and snoop. That’s just not cool.
Q: What about Skype and FaceTime?
A: These are the gold standards of parent-child communication today, as video chats are the next-best thing to being there. Plus, the few precious minutes you have to absorb their blessed visage allows you to make snap diagnoses of their health and well-being, whether they’re eating well and getting enough sleep, or sporting new tattoos, eyebrow piercings, facial hair or engagement rings.
Q: What’s this Snapchat thing?
A: Snapchat was invented to further thwart parents from creeping. The messaging app allows young people to send video snippets of their antics for invitation-only viewing — and you are not on the guest list. Once the recipient opens the video file, it self-destructs and can’t be shared or re-posted.
Yeah, I haven’t been able to crack this one yet.
Q: How long will I have to put up with this?
A: Radio silence effectively ends once your kids have kids of their own. Then they’ll be all over Facebook and texting YOU because they need a baby sitter.
Next time: Learning how to activate the “ignore” setting on your smartphone.
“She Speaks” is a weekly column by female writers of the Honolulu Star-Advertiser. Reach Christie Wilson at cwilson@staradvertiser.com.
