When I first told my 84-year-old grandmother that I was going to write a mom’s column, all she could do was laugh.

And I mean laugh hard.

I knew exactly the reason for her reaction.

“I thought it was funny because you do all kinds of erratic things, not like a regular mother,” she said.

By erratic, she means I’m sometimes (often) impatient, inconsistent in the way I raise my children (despite my best efforts) and have an ongoing struggle with time management (we’re always running out the door).

Whether it’s trying to shuffle two kids (who are incessantly fighting) into the car or getting them to bed when they’re in the middle of adding more chickens to their imaginary Minecraft worlds, the struggle is real.

Our mornings start something like this:

“Get in the car, kids.

“Kids, get in the car. We have to go or you’re going to be tardy.

“Did you hear what I said? GET IN THE CAR NOW!”

My grandmother tells me: “You scream your head off. The whole neighborhood can hear. Aren’t you ashamed?”

I’m not proud of my high-strung, perpetually stressed-out demeanor and wish I was a cupcake-baking, Betty Crocker-making, Girl Scouts mom. I really do. Some women are born to be mothers. I’m not one of them. Normal parenting stuff just doesn’t come naturally to me.

I’m not like those outwardly perfect moms I see speaking in calm, soft voices to their misbehaving children.

You know the ones — all put together, with everything under control, seemingly untaxed by the struggle to balance work, family commitments and motherhood. The ones who make home-cooked meals daily in their perfectly clean homes and never drop the ball on their household responsibilities, kids’ activities, homework, play dates and so forth. I’m not sure I’ll ever be that kind of mom.

But the intention is there.

I go to great lengths to raise well-rounded, upright, God-loving children. I throw them birthday parties every year, make sure they have lots of unscheduled play time and am always in search of new experiences that can make memories for our family.

In my quest to become one of those “good” moms, I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on self-help programs to learn how to manage my children’s behavior and become the mother I’ve always wanted to be. But I have yet to dedicate the time to put the techniques into action. Again, the intent is there.

When I come home from a long, hard day at the office, I am simply exhausted. There’s no time to follow the step-by-step parenting guide while trying to get the kids to finish their homework and take a bath before bedtime.

I’m sure moms across the country feel the same … every … single … day.

My friends tell me those perfect moms don’t exist and that the ones that appear that way are surely doing the same things I do, just behind closed doors. Even if that’s true, I still admire their public calm, cool, collected persona.

Perhaps I’ll get there one day. Maybe when the kids are grown. At least by the time I’m a grandmother.

Then I’ll be the one laughing.

“She Speaks” is a weekly column by women writers of the Honolulu Star-Advertiser. Reach Kristen Consillio at kconsillio@staradvertiser.com.