The proxy election is scarier than the real one as we "flASHback" on September’s news that amused and confused:

» The Republican Governors Association weighed in on our governor’s race, claiming Democrat David Ige and the unpopular incumbent he beat, Gov. Neil Abercrombie, are two peas in a pod. That’s silly. Ige is a snow pea; Abercrombie is a summer squash.

» While the GOP linked Ige to Abercrombie, Democrats also promoted a proxy contest by stressing Republican James "Duke" Aiona’s ties to the equally unpopular former Gov. Linda Lingle. If it was really Abercrombie vs. Lingle, we’d have record-low voter turnout and record high-voter suicide.

» Ige is running on a theme of "Moving Hawaii Forward Together," and Aiona’s buzzwords are "Trust, Respect, Balance." Independent candidate Mufi Hannemann has a more personal appeal: "Do you miss me yet?"

» Republican congressional candidate Charles Djou said he could change minds in a gridlocked Congress and Democrat Mark Takai promised to "knock some sense into them." Either would have a better chance of breaking Peyton Manning’s single-season touchdown record.

» Hawaii’s late U.S. Sen. Daniel Inouye was reported to have once told Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand of New York, "Don’t lose too much weight now. I like my girls chubby." It seems he called himself the "King of Pork" because he shared the DNA.

» Police Chief Louis Kealoha tried to pass it off as a misunderstanding when he caught grief for canceling a meeting with women legislators on domestic violence and then lecturing them on due process. Don’t men ever learn?

» City rail CEO Daniel Grabauskas dismissed federal concerns that Oahu’s $5.26 billion rail project won’t finish on time or on budget, saying, "Their job is to look at the part of the glass that’s half empty." His job is to look at it through a glass full of 100-proof.

» The controversial Pono Choices sex-ed program returned to public schools after the Department of Education heeded political objections and made changes, such as not classifying the anus as genitalia. Instead, the anus will be classified as a house of the Legislature.

» The state is floating a plan to replace Aloha Stadium with a smaller facility seating 30,000 to 40,000. Only in Hawaii would it make sense to spend $190 million so Norm Chow would have fewer seats to not fill.

» Hawaii drivers are the least likely in the nation to hit a deer, according to State Farm. Our drivers are most likely to hit a senior citizen.

And the quote of the month … from state Public Safety Director Ted Sakai on why Halawa Correctional Facility inmates are wearing old-style striped uniforms: "It was becoming more difficult to readily identify inmate from staff." The inmates are the ones who aren’t abusing sick leave.

Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com or blog.volcanicash.net.