How parents talk to their children has a huge impact on whether the kids believe that their intelligence, talent and ability can grow with hard work. Instilling this "growth mindset" has lifelong benefits, just as the pitfalls of a failure-fearing, challenge-averse "fixed mindset" also linger.
"We don’t rule out that temperament plays a role, but we found that parent praise plays a big role," said Stanford University psychology professor Carol Dweck, who has devoted her career to exploring how children cope with failure. "How parents praised their babies at 1, 2 and 3 years old predicted that child’s desire for challenge five years later. And that desire for challenge, in turn, predicts behavior in middle school and high school. So it starts early."
The more parents gave "process praise" to their toddlers, commending effort toward a specific goal or action, the more likely the child was to develop a positive "growth mindset." By contrast, research among older children found that vague praise for a student’s general intellect — "You’re so smart!" — sapped motivation and undermined performance.
Here are some tips for praising children to ignite a passion for learning, rather than a hunger for approval:
» Instead of praising intelligence, artistic talent or athletic ability, praise the process the child used or the effort he or she exerted to achieve a successful outcome. For example: "That homework had a lot of steps. I admire the way you concentrated to finish it all." Or, "You put so much thought into that book report. I’m thinking about the author in a new way," or "Practicing all those free throws paid off."
» Pay attention to your children’s goals, the ones you and teachers and coaches set for them and the aspirations they set for themselves. When your child meets a goal, praise the effort it took to get there, rather than offering a vague "Good job!" When he or she falls short, express that "you’re not there yet," or some other simple phrase that conveys room for growth. Children persevere when they believe effort, rather than innate ability, largely determines their progress.
