It’s been raining cats, dogs and lawmakers as we plant tongue in cheek and "flASHback" on the week’s news that amused and confused:

» A pernicious virus has arrived in Hawaii and is expected to cause widespread nausea and vomiting in coming weeks. In layman’s term, the bug is known as the Legislature.

» New House Speaker Joe Souki said he’s a changed man and will no longer engage in the "arm-twisting" he was known for when he last led the House in 1998. Technology has since perfected more modern methods of persuasion, such as waterboarding.

» After taking the gavel, Souki challenged his colleagues to deal with Hawaii’s problems "intelligently." It’s certainly worth a shot; none of the other approaches they’ve tried have ever worked.

» Rep. Sharon Har accused Souki of subjecting ousted Speaker Calvin Say to "revenge, vindication, retribution and punishment." Say was forced to sit in the back row of the House chamber, next to Republicans and Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend.

» Gov. Neil Abercrombie appointed Justin Woodson, owner of Eco Auto Wash in Kahului, to Maui’s open House seat, saying Woodson has the right experience to navigate the Legislature. Hmmm, I’m not sure carwash and hogwash are interchangeable aptitudes.

» New Senate President Donna Mercado Kim suggested in her maiden speech that the state fix its many dysfunctional existing programs before embarking on new programs. That may have been too much common sense for lawmakers to absorb in one sitting.

» Senate Majority Leader Brickwood Galuteria said he’ll push to support local agriculture even though "farming is not sexy." Obviously, he missed the lovely growers in the 2009 calendar, "Naked Truth about 100% Kona Coffee."

» The state Ethics Commission reminded legislators that it’s illegal for them to accept food and drink freebies valued at $25 or more. Luckily for them, lobbyists are offering a blue state special valued at $24.99.

» New U.S. Sen. Brian Schatz enjoyed his first trip home since being appointed last month to replace the late Sen. Daniel Inouye. The young senator had to rush off to Washington so fast that he barely had time to pack a change of diapers.

» Hawaii has the second highest rate of pornography viewership in the nation, behind only Washington, D.C., according to a popular porn website. How can we compete with folks who have such easy access to viewing Congress?

And the quote of the week … from U.S. Rep. Tulsi Gabbard on her latest job in the U.S. House: "There’s no better situation that I could ask for, no better job that I could ask for, and I’m ready, excited and eager to get to work." That’s why she applied for a new job as U.S. senator before she was even sworn in to the House.

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Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com or blog.volcanicash.net.