SECOND OF TWO PARTS

When Maui residents Erika and Kyle Meredith were getting ready to adopt their first newborn in 2005, they were excited but also nervous about how it was all going to transpire.

They decided from a financial standpoint that adopting domestically would be more affordable than going overseas, and chose to work with Hope INC (In the Name of Christ), a local faith-based private adoption agency.

"It was also the desire to help out in our own backyard," said Erika Meredith, who cannot have children of her own.

Agencies that arrange domestic adoptions often work directly with "birth moms," women who are pregnant and planning to give up their child for adoption. Since birth moms typically are the ones who choose who will get their child, all a prospective adoptive couple can do is put in their application and wait anywhere from a few months to two years.

After waiting about a year, the Merediths learned they had been chosen for a newborn by a single mother.

Full of anticipation, they flew to Kapiolani Medical Center for Women & Children to wait for the birth, not knowing the gender of the baby.

At first, Meredith said, she had wanted a closed and confidential adoption that did not involve contact with the birth mom. Her greatest fear was that the mother would change her mind or one day return, saying she wanted her child back.

The birth mother had also declined to meet with them, but changed her mind at the last minute when they arrived at the hospital.

Meredith says she will never forget that moment seven years ago when the woman personally handed her a beautiful baby boy, whom she named Samuel.

"It was almost like she felt honored to pre­sent me with this precious, precious gift," Meredith said. "I cried my eyes out. My whole perspective on openness changed, and my fear dropped away."

She and the birth mom continued a "semi-open" relationship in which Meredith sent photos and updates on Samuel’s progress through Hope INC for a few years until the communication dropped off.

Today, as the mother of three adopted boys, Meredith says she would recommend open adoptions to other moms.

"We highly recommend openness," said Deeanna Wallace, founder of Hope INC, which is based in Hilo. "It’s definitely healthier for everybody all the way around."

Hope INC is a nonprofit that assists with both private adoptions and the placement of kids in foster care, relying on donations to run its operation.

So far this year they have helped with 14 adoptions. Hawaii International Child also handles domestic adoptions through its Ka Makana program.

Nationally, agency fees for domestic adoption generally range from $20,000 to $40,000, according to Adoptive Families Magazine.

Wallace, a mother of 13, has experienced varying degrees of openness with birth families of each of her 11 adopted children.

When she adopted her eldest son 33 years ago, openness was a fairly cutting-edge concept. But today it is a trend embraced by most adoption agencies and professionals, as well as adoptees who say their experiences with it have been positive.

Wallace says that for her son, who now has children of his own, it was the right choice.

"Adoption is to meet the needs of a child first and the needs of adoptive parents and birth parents second," Wallace said in an email. "It is in the child’s best interest to always know where they came from and why adoption was a good option for their life."

An estimated 18,000 infants are involved in private U.S. adoptions annually, excluding foster and relative adoptions, according to Adoptive Families Magazine.

In Hawaii, 211 children were adopted through the state’s foster care system in fiscal year 2011, down from 425 in 2005, according to the Department of Human Services. The drop is due to state efforts to keep children out of foster care in the first place through family support programs, according to state adoption specialist Lynne Kazama.

"Our first mission is to see if they can remain at home safely," she said. "If not, our mission is to safely reunify, and if not, we look at adoption with a relative."

Approximately 126 foster care kids are available for adoption, although that number is fluid.

Wallace says open relationships are more complicated but still possible for the birth families of foster children who have been adopted, as long as it’s safe for the child.

The degree of openness in private adoptions varies for every relationship. Sometimes the terms are spelled out in adoption papers, but usually they’re worked out independently by the two parties with the help of an agency or attorney.

Though Meredith was receptive to an open adoption for her second son, Ezekiel, the birth mom preferred no contact.

By the time the Maui couple went to the hospital to pick up the newborn, the birth mother had already signed over care of the infant to Hope INC and left. Ezekiel was born prematurely and remained in neonatal intensive care a few more days before the Merediths brought him home.

Their third adoption came unexpectedly via a friend who had a pregnant acquaintance looking for a family to adopt her baby.

In that instance, Meredith was able to meet the birth mom when she was still pregnant, and communicated with her during the delivery, before bringing third son Joshua home.

They remained in touch for more than a year. But circumstances and relationships change. Right now, Meredith said, the birth mom is taking a step back to move forward with her life.

The birth father, a Native Hawaiian who lives on the mainland, has embraced the open relationship with them. Every few months they send him a photo. He has written out his genealogy, adding the Merediths in as a new branch to the family tree.

"We’ve really come to truly love them," said Meredith of the birth parents. "They’re neat people, and we feel honored to be a part of them. They’re part of us."

Openness is defined differently for every relationship, according to Wallace.

At one extreme the two parties may know only each other’s names. On the other extreme the birth family may visit regularly and even baby-sit for the adoptive family.

"In between those two extremes, there are many ways to experience an open adoption," said Wallace.

Lynne Silver, director of Adopt International, which has offices in San Francisco and Hono­lulu, founded the agency on the concept of open-style adoptions.

Silver adopted a girl 31 years ago from a woman on Hawaii island. Her daughter remains in touch with her birth mother and sister.

Even without formal contact, social media tools such as Facebook can allow both birth parents and adoptive families to get updates from a distance.

Open adoptions help take the mystery out of "Where did I come from?" and also gives adopted children more access to a family health history, say advocates. To a certain degree it may also give birth moms more of a sense of peace or closure knowing what has happened to their adopted child.

Samuel, 7, loves to play soccer and has a creative streak. Ezekiel, 3, wrote out his name and the alphabet when he was only 2 and enjoys hugs. Joshua, almost 2, has a spunky personality and loves to play with puppets.

Though raising adopted children has unique challenges, the rewards include fulfillment and the joy of parenthood.

"It’s also the idea, knowing this was a choice their birth mothers made," said Meredith, "and hoping they have peace knowing they have a family that’s over-the-moon excited to have them."

On the Net

» Hawaii International Child: www.adoptionhawaii.org
» Hope INC: hopeinchawaii.org
» Adopt International: www.adopt-intl.org
» Adoptive Families: www.adoptivefamilies.com