Finally … he took a break from raging on me … from yelling, accusing and blaming … from intimidating and threatening. He says he’s going to burn our house down.

It’s 10 p.m. I’m scared and confused. I call my friend who offers to come get me. But I can’t leave without our daughter. And I can’t leave, even with our daughter, because my office, my source of making a living, is in our home. I need to stay.

I call 911. The police can only remove my husband if they determine him to be a danger to, or to have harmed, himself or someone else. Threatening statements don’t count. Do I want them to come out? Reluctantly, the answer is no. My husband will present himself calmly and reasonably, then once they leave, he will rage on me again … even worse this time, because I brought in the police.

After more than 15 years, it took me 10 months of couples and individual counseling to shift from being "desperate to save my marriage," to seeing that "it’s not OK to be scared of my husband."

I was, and still am, very fortunate. My circumstances were not as severe as some, and when I reached out for help, I got it … lots of it.

Domestic violence is a sad, complicated, sometimes fatal, problem in too many relationships and homes. Physical violence gets the most attention, while mental, psychological and emotional abuses usually leave deeper longer-lasting scars. The abuser, through fear and intimidation, has claimed a disproportionate amount of power and control in the relationship. The victim is usually feeling confused, scared, trapped and hopeless. Often she has become isolated and full of self-doubt. Both parties are enmeshed in unhealthy behaviors and patterns.

If you know someone who may be in an abusive situation, please remember the following:

» Let her know that you are concerned for her safety and, if children are involved, that you are concerned for the safety of her and the children.

» Do not "tell" her what to do. The abuser has been constantly telling her what to do, what to think and how to feel. A victim’s ability to think for herself, and to trust herself, has been severely eroded.

» Do not blame her. The abuser has been blaming her for his actions and behaviors. Most victims inappropriately accept this blame and also blame themselves. They often believe they are at fault and maybe even that they deserve it.

» Acknowledge that she is in a difficult, complicated and scary situation. Reassure her that she is not alone — that there is help and support available, and that you are, and will continue to be, there for her. Share with her contact information for local support and assistance. If you are willing and able, extend an invitation to go with her to get help.

» Respect her decisions. If she changes her mind, respect her changing decisions. If she cannot decide what to do, respect her inability to make a decision. Do not criticize her, or her decisions, or try to guilt her into anything.

Be supportive, non-judgmental and patient. Your consistent caring and concern help offset the ongoing abuse. Listen, and then listen some more. And continue to be there for her — ready to help no matter what, no matter how many times you may have to offer the same words of encouragement and no matter whenever she may need or want your help.

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Editor’s note: "Ke‘alaoka‘iu" is this author’s hula name bestowed by her kumu hula; her full name is not printed due to repercussion concerns. Her experience recounted in this commentary has been verified with professional support workers.