There are no words to describe what it feels like to experience domestic violence. For years I was like a robot: No one knew what my children and I were going through; I hid the abuse very well. Our family looked perfect on the outside because we had everything a “perfect family” could dream of.
In the beginning I thought he would get better — but as time went on, it got worse, and it got harder for me to leave. I started to seclude myself from friends and family just to hide the bruises. It’s easy for people to say, why don’t you just leave. Well, I didn’t leave because by then he had used every ounce of his wealth, power and strength to push me in a corner and plant the fear in my head that no judge would give me custody of our children because I had no money and no home.
Mind you, I was with him for over 20 years, and he took everything from me. The mind games gave me anxiety: I was constantly walking on eggshells and often felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I stayed because I had to protect my children; he was the type to only care when it was convenient and when it made him look good.
I was a working full-time mother, going back to school to get my degree and was the sole caretaker of our children while he went off to his many affairs and then would come home to beat me if I started asking questions. I was terrified, I was stuck, I was ashamed, I wanted to die.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH
Contact the Domestic Violence Action Center in Honolulu via its website here, or its helplines: Oahu at (808) 531-3771; toll-free helpline at (800) 690-6200.
He kicked us out of our home not once but twice. By the second time. I saw it as a chance and grabbed our children and left; I was not about to put our two younger children through what our oldest son went through growing up. He suffered for years from the emotional and physical abuse, and still today, we both struggle with the psychological abuse.
Being a victim caused many other problems; it started to affect my work and my studying. Even when you’re strong, you always have a breaking point and it started to drain my health.
Luckily for me, I researched and got the help I needed — to take him to court for custody of our children. This, too, was emotionally draining. He hired an expensive lawyer and did everything he could to intimidate me.
I believe that Hawaii’s state and county officials must make it a priority to bring more awareness about this problem. Make it mandatory for police officers to get more training in domestic violence situations. Make it mandatory that abusers take an in-person domestic violence class and not just online, which he got away with.
Our oldest son suffered and still suffers because of the amount of pain his father placed on him. He has anxiety attacks — but is finally seeing a therapist; it’s taken him years to agree to see one. Our second child has a lot of emotional problems, dealing with sadness. After we left our home, she would wake up or would scream every time she heard an alarm. My ex was very controlling and when we were living at home, whenever I missed a call or wouldn’t listen to him, he would set the alarm off in the house. There were several times we were locked in the bedroom for hours because he had changed the alarm codes, so no movement was allowed around the house. It happened so regularly that my daughter became traumatized whenever she heard alarms.
I am no longer a victim of violence, by the grace of God. I don’t think a person can truly recover from the pain of domestic violence, but with the right people in your life, it will make the process less painful.
J.C. works in office administration; her full name has been withheld to shield her and her family from potential retaliation.
