Perhaps it’s time to re-examine the ramifications of the “aloha kiss.”
Oh, I can sense the hackles raising already: What is wrong with you? Don’t you know the difference between an aloha kiss and what Harvey Weinstein is accused of doing? Nobody should stop hugging and kissing people just because a rash of political correctness has flared up among Hollywood actors, hysterical intellectuals and snowflakes looking to topple titans of business and politics.
Whatever.
Sure, the aloha hug/kiss is lovely if given with the purest intentions and received without reservations, particularly among groups of friends whose relationships are already established as built on trust and mutual respect. But in the moment, when a boss or teacher or state legislator is swooping in, target fixed and lips pursed, it’s difficult to gauge whether the action is welcomed.
It isn’t always welcomed. Even in Hawaii. Even for warmhearted, well-adjusted people who have lived here their entire lives.
Most women can tell you their stories about unwanted physical contact with someone they didn’t feel they could push away or dodge; contact cloaked in the innocence of the “aloha kiss” that was actually not innocent at all. They can describe overly long hugs that leave your clothes smelling of his sickly-sweet aftershave; kisses that seemed to be heading to the relative safety of the cheek but shockingly veer in the last second to land on the lips or the ear or, eww, the neck. They can show you the choreography they’ve worked out to orchestrate a safe air kiss when a person of power presents his cheek in a demand to be smooched. They can tell you about hugs where the hands end up in the wrong place.
But even if the intention is pure and the execution is chaste, women (and men and girls and boys) have the right to decline. That is crucial, to have the right to step back and offer, instead, a hand to shake without being hassled for being distrustful or uptight or too mainland.
It tracks back to “go kiss uncle,” that seemingly innocent command foisted upon babies and children too young to say, “No thanks.” Far be it from me to tell anyone how to raise their kids, but if children know they have the right to decline, that goes a long way toward recalibrating society where people are empowered to establish their own safe zones where no one enters without permission.
In schools and workplaces and the halls of the state Capitol, maybe it’s time for us to ask earnest questions about why hugs and kisses sometimes feel forced upon us and we feel obligated by culture and custom to yield to power. Joe Souki should be the beginning of the end. Want to keep your job? Keep your hands and lips and saucy jokes to yourself.
The “aloha kiss” isn’t grandfathered in. It isn’t safe just because it’s tied to tradition or comes with the label “aloha.” It can be used to excuse boorish behavior, and it shouldn’t provide cover to those looking for a quick, icky thrill. In other words, affirmative consent.
Reach Lee Cataluna at 529-4315 or lcataluna@staradvertiser.com.
